Winning Wit Gifts

Walter from Gamblers Anonymous

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Backfire

Snowprov

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Czarcasm

Miss America IQ Pageant

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

Doggone

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"Who's your daddy corporation?"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

Paper Boy

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'He never listened to his mother!'

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

Conference Room. I don't have the heart to tell him it wasn't a compliment when the boss said "in every brainstorming session Ernie is a ray of sunshine."

'Are they fresh?'

"You make a great point."

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

'Always the wise guy.'

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."