Wine-wielding Wit Gifts

"Wait. Let it breathe."

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

Opening the Barrel

"The chef recommends the tilapia. However, I really like the vodka."

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

'No, I can't remember the name of the wine, but it did come in a bottle about this tall, if that's any help.'

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

'Who took the cork out of my lunch?'

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

'Ahh, the '74 Amarone. Unfortunately, I can't sell it to you. There's no possible way you'd appreciate it.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"Nope, no need to smell the cork."

"Do you have a wine that tastes like beer?"

"Would sir like to try the wine. . . ?"

"It's disappointing, but if that's the biggest you've got ..."

'I noticed your wine list only has reds and whites. Don't you have any yellow wines?'

'Sir has made the most discerning choice to wash it down with Drain Glug.'

"At our age I figure we only have two taste buds left. One for vodka and one for wine."

Waiter watering down wine

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

'At home, he's my husband, here; he's my dump bucket.'

"Would you like an ice bucket with your Champagne?"

'You opened it five hours ago. If it breathes any more, it's going to hyperventilate.'

"A cheeky little wine, would you agree?"

'How come your oldest vintage is on the top shelf?' 'I can't reach up there!'

'How wonderful, I've always wanted to meet a connoisseur of wines costing under £4.99 a bottle.'

'For future reference, just the bottle goes in the chiller.'

"A whino!"

'Mmm...it's got a good nose on it.'

"He's a wino-saur."

"Despite the oaked tannins and lingering aftertaste, I don't think red pairs well with seal blubber."