Wine-wielding Wit Gifts

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

Opening the Barrel

"The chef recommends the tilapia. However, I really like the vodka."

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

'No, I can't remember the name of the wine, but it did come in a bottle about this tall, if that's any help.'

'Who took the cork out of my lunch?'

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

'Ahh, the '74 Amarone. Unfortunately, I can't sell it to you. There's no possible way you'd appreciate it.'

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"Do you have a wine that tastes like beer?"

'I noticed your wine list only has reds and whites. Don't you have any yellow wines?'

'Sir has made the most discerning choice to wash it down with Drain Glug.'

"At our age I figure we only have two taste buds left. One for vodka and one for wine."

"Would sir like to try the wine. . . ?"

'You opened it five hours ago. If it breathes any more, it's going to hyperventilate.'

'At home, he's my husband, here; he's my dump bucket.'

Waiter watering down wine

"Would you like an ice bucket with your Champagne?"

"A cheeky little wine, would you agree?"

'How wonderful, I've always wanted to meet a connoisseur of wines costing under £4.99 a bottle.'

'How come your oldest vintage is on the top shelf?' 'I can't reach up there!'

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

'For future reference, just the bottle goes in the chiller.'

"A whino!"

'Mmm...it's got a good nose on it.'

"He's a wino-saur."

"Despite the oaked tannins and lingering aftertaste, I don't think red pairs well with seal blubber."

'I quite the wine class after 5 minutes. The instructor started by saying that wine a liquid, but it's dry.'