Wine Waiter Gifts

"This one's rubbish as well."

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

"Do you have a wine that tastes like beer?"

"We recommend red wine with mice and white wine with birds."

"What would the world be like without wine? I can't bear to think of it."

"Can you recommend a suitable white wine to drink with my red wine?"

"What wine would you recommend to compliment stony silence?"

"Would sir like to try the wine. . . ?"

"As you requested, 'A bottle of something cheap by which to get thoroughly hammered'."

"It's disappointing, but if that's the biggest you've got ..."

"It's his only trick, but I think you'd agree. . . it's a bloody good one!"

"Yes, that'll be fine. I think my wife would like something to drink too."

"Wine? What vintage?"

Sommelier Life: ". . .I'll have the first three in the same glass. . . thanks pal!"

"And let us never forget those million of brave yeast cells who gave their lives so we might guzzle."

"I'm not into slippers."

"This cheap wine doesn't have a cork to smell, but the label is scratch and sniff."

"Perhaps the wine is a little too chilled. My fingers are frozen to the glass."

"It's an agreeable little wine."

"Okay, let's see ... vintage ... vintage ... "

"Our sommelier - years of experience in French urinals."

"What wine goes well with 'broke'?"

". . . when."

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

Culture Vultures

"It has a nuttiness with hints of oak, maple, cedar and mahogany."

"If you want to impress your date then I'd recommend this totally overpriced booze. If not, then the cheap box of plonk will do perfectly."

"Do you have something for somebody with no palette, no taste and no money?"

"Excellent. And how about something crude and unsophisticated for my guest."

"Okay then, what wine do you have if we go up to the four dollar range?"

"I ordered red wine. This is purple."

"I wanted a bottle of inexpensive wine, but this one is corked with chewed bubblegum."

"Do you have anything that would make him seem a lot more attractive?"

Chiantis In Translation

"Hey, Johnny—am I nuts, or does this have a hint of oak?"