Wine Waiter Prints

"This one's rubbish as well."

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

"Do you have a wine that tastes like beer?"

"We recommend red wine with mice and white wine with birds."

"What would the world be like without wine? I can't bear to think of it."

"What wine would you recommend to compliment stony silence?"

"Would sir like to try the wine. . . ?"

"It's his only trick, but I think you'd agree. . . it's a bloody good one!"

Sommelier Life: ". . .I'll have the first three in the same glass. . . thanks pal!"

"And let us never forget those million of brave yeast cells who gave their lives so we might guzzle."

"I'm not into slippers."

"This cheap wine doesn't have a cork to smell, but the label is scratch and sniff."

"Perhaps the wine is a little too chilled. My fingers are frozen to the glass."

"It's an agreeable little wine."

"Our sommelier - years of experience in French urinals."

"What wine goes well with 'broke'?"

". . . when."

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

Culture Vultures

"It has a nuttiness with hints of oak, maple, cedar and mahogany."

"If you want to impress your date then I'd recommend this totally overpriced booze. If not, then the cheap box of plonk will do perfectly."

"Do you have something for somebody with no palette, no taste and no money?"

"Do you have anything that would make him seem a lot more attractive?"

Chiantis In Translation

"Hey, Johnny—am I nuts, or does this have a hint of oak?"

"i'm trying to remember the type of California white wine but I like, but my mind keeps drawing a blanc."

"The Pinot blanc is the most expensive, so I'd recommend that."

"A pox on your house red."

"I mixed the California wine with the New York wine for a truly American experience."

"Can you recommend a wine that tastes like a good beer?"

"I like a buttery chardonnay with hints of happier times, romance and optimism."

"Bring us your dustiest bottle of wine."

"A cheeky red?"

"What goes with fish and bad conversation?"

Australian wine waiter