Wholesome Warrior Gifts

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

The Ferocious Viking Wiener Dog

"I'm weighed down with so many gadgets, I'll need a push to start me off."

"'Meetingpalooza' sounded better in the brochure."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"You took that news with dignity and grace. I really wanted you to spaz out."

Mod Kwan Doh

Say balls to testicular cancer, remember to check your crown jewels regularly.

"Put your phones on vibrate. Maybe they'll keep you awake."

'And in conclusion.'

If all else falls...Mom's Chicken Soup

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

Militant Pacifists

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

"Welcome to the brave new corporate gulag, Hank. The dissenting wheel always gets the shrink!"

'Thank God, no tasers in my day!'

Unhappy, Happy, and Well Being Consultant Theatre Masks.

'Then again - no pain, no gain.'

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

Knights of the iPhone

'Lost in the Jungle I found this Buddhist retreat...'

"The doctor will see you in a week - if you could still be ill a week on Wednesday."

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

Tai Chi vs. Chai Tea

Fencing Lessons

"She's in her happy place again."

Calm in the Face of Chaos

Man in a tank with several grannies painted on the side

"Namaste! The divinity in me versus the divinity in you!"

'Jenkins came back from his vacation a little too decompressed.'

"My left buttock is noticeable larger than my right and my dog is missing his hind legs."

I heart my bum.

Karate School.

'And this is Ziggy, our stress management consultant...'

"Ah - the hunter-gatherer."