White-collar Warrior Gifts

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"I'm finding it difficult to keep alive the little embezzler within."

'I've proved to the company I can make the tough rationalizations.'

Fraud Squad

'His job is to follow the paperless trail.'

'As your friend, I'd advise you to leave the country. As your accountant, I advise you to file for bankruptcy.'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'Do you remember when our time away from the office was our time...'

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

37 years in the same position.

"I think I'll be late back for tea. . . about a week."

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

Low-Energy Drinks

Man sees sign as he exits bathroom: 'Employees Often Wash Hands'.

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

Hand Sanitizer Man, beloved superhero of every workplace in the world.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tick, tock-tock, tickety-tick tock ….

"Now, let's get out there and walk really fast to places we don't want to be."

'I had no idea aspirin came in such a large bottle.'

'I went to my boss and demanded the fruits of my labor. He gave me a Blackberry.'

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

'Did you just show your teeth at me Wilson?'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

Laptop Dancing.

'Please leave the light on, dear. I'm afraid there might be OSHA inspectors under the bed.' 'Managers at Night.'

'The boss put his picture up to enspire us. But it just isn't having that effect on me.'

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

Working Late

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

"I am not a workaholic. I just work to relax."

Five doors: Push, Pull, Up High, Down Low, Too Slow.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'