Wheel Of Sermons Gifts

Vicar's driving lesson "Here endeth the first lesson!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

The Sleeping Congregation.

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Words falling out of bible.

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

'The reading is from my brand new mobile phone.'

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"And the weird shall inherit the Earth, for their ways are difficult for A.I. algorithms to figure out."

'Personally, I prefer a more traditional message for Easter Service.'

"I stand corrected..."