West End Shows T-Shirts

'We had to donwsize.'

'Greatest Hits Compilations not yet turned into a terrible Ben Elton show.'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

Mikado

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

Theatre Crowd

Applause

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

'This is rodeo history! No one's ever stayed on the Dancing Bronco this long!'

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."

"That concludes our broadcast day. Go to bed."

Succession 2

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

'He's been doing this ever since he saw the Lion King!'

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

'Sheep striptease'.

'What do you MEAN this IS the show?!! Let me see the tickets!'

Franz Kafka does stand-up...

"This next song is called - 'I want to kill you'."

'You see son, it's jobs like these that give us a bad name...'

"Well of course you're depressed... You're a country and western singer."

"Those who can can, dance."

Don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Worthington.

'He's a cheat I tell you - it's just a trick!'

'Is there a fireman in the house?'

'This has a great ending...he shoots her.'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

An Early Ventriloquist Meets His Future Dummy

'Your performance review is next Tuesday. You're allowed to bring a guitar and up to three backup singers.'

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

"I've done this show six hundred thirty-seven times. Tonight in Act Two I'm going to sing 'The Jet Song' from 'West Side Story'."

"We've just crossed the line between binge viewing and OCD viewing."

Ventriloquism For Beginners