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Touch Gig

"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do to improve the quality of the programmes, Madam."

'I wouldn't bother going, it'll just be a repeat of the winter meeting.'

Too late they realized they'd awarded 1st place to a mop.

The Great Banzinni discovers the oldest trick in the book.

"Thank you! And now for my finale, I shall produce a magician from the hat."

"I'm getting really tired of this cancel culture."

Franz Kafka does stand-up...

'Since winning Best of Breed at the dog show he won't go anywhere without his entourage!'

'I can't believe they made a sequel.'

'I'm watching the ballet to try and get some culture.'

'Howard, maybe you expect too much from television.'

'You see son, it's jobs like these that give us a bad name...'

Billy Box lived here...Oh, no he didn't...Oh, yes he did.

Reality TV

"This looks good—a ninety-six-part documentary about everything."

"So Carson Daly just talks a lot and introduces songs on some TV show, and girls everywhere are crazy about him?"

'This has a great ending...he shoots her.'

"We've just crossed the line between binge viewing and OCD viewing."

Magic Kick

Oh, that's impressive, but he's a one-trick pony!

Succession 2

"Just getting the hell out of here is worth the price of admission."

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

Benedict Cumberbatch

"Don't get strung out by the way I look, don't judge a book by its cover."

Academic Jeopardy ... 'What Was the Maiden Name of Dante Alighieri's Maternal Grandmother?'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

Fighter Jet Sneeze

The Style of Elements

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

University Soapflakes

Xena: Warrior Princess, TV star, professional volleyball player.