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A magician sees his suitcase with swords in it on the luggage conveyor belt.

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

They hated me.

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

Zombie standup

Showbiz Awards

Benedict Cumberbatch

"Don't get strung out by the way I look, don't judge a book by its cover."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

A small snooker player chalking his cue.

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

Take seat. Nothing makes me happier than keeping people warm and cooking s'mores for them. Friendly fire.

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

Academic Jeopardy ... 'What Was the Maiden Name of Dante Alighieri's Maternal Grandmother?'

"We just watched a hypermovie!"

The Rooster Comedian.

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

Television Readers.

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

A Guide to Balloon Animals

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Champagne

"Ernestine is trying to get St. Patrick to change his mind."

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

'That'll be four twenty for the beers and sixty quid for the Xmas decorations.'

C'mon, it'll be fun! I'll throw on some stars, pop in a few planets, drum up a life form or two, and this place will be hoppin'! The Big Shebang Theory.

Cow Show Tunes

University Soapflakes

'They all laughed when I told them that I was going to marry a magician.'

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."