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A magician sees his suitcase with swords in it on the luggage conveyor belt.

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

They hated me.

Zombie standup

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

Showbiz Awards

Benedict Cumberbatch

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Don't get strung out by the way I look, don't judge a book by its cover."

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

A small snooker player chalking his cue.

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

A Guide to Balloon Animals

Champagne

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

The Rooster Comedian.

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

Television Readers.

'That'll be four twenty for the beers and sixty quid for the Xmas decorations.'

'They all laughed when I told them that I was going to marry a magician.'

"I need a little more drama like a ten part mini-series."

Cow Show Tunes

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

"Ernestine is trying to get St. Patrick to change his mind."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."