Web-informed Patient Gifts

"The extra charge is for arguing with me from what you've read on the Net."

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'Bored?'

"Because the 'morning after pill' is not a rectal suppository."

'Do you want the pill, the suppository, the patch, or the app?'

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

"I have to tell you, I got a totally different diagnosis from someone named PookyPoo on medi-answer.com."

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

"Take two aspirin and text me in the morning."

"That's not what it says on the Web."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"So, we are all agreed, gentlemen. There shouldn't be that many of those, and that's a funny colour."

"So, when you looked up your symptoms, did it say to complain about it incessantly but never seek treatment?"

"It's the only way I can get some of my paitents to listen to me."

Hypochondriac at two computers. One reads 'Internet diagnosis', other says 'Second opinion'.

'Must be another of Obama's healthcare cost cutting.'

"Let's make a deal, doc. I'll stop diagnosing myself on the internet when you start making house calls again."

"I'm not feeling too great. Maybe I'll ask WebMD what's wrong with me."

"The doctor says your vital signs are strong, but the IT guy says your portal password is weak."

"Are my test results in yet?" "Yes, you can see them on my website!"

'No, the Doctor doesn't do house calls. But he does do skype calls!'

"… All the lab work confirms it — I’m sorry, Mr. Franklin … You’re old."

"That's the fifth customer this morning - video calling the doctor's surgery because of Covid restrictions."

'You'll get wet. Why don't you use your new umbrella?'

'I couldn't diagnose this ailment on the internet, so I was forced to come to you.'

I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I've either got swine fever,rift valley fever,bovine spongiform encelophalopathy,bluetongue or a stubbed toe!

'Do you mind if I get a second opinion off the internet?'

'Revenue's been up since we changed our WiFi policy around here.'

"This remote doctor visit is just like the real thing. I've been waiting 35 minutes and I still haven't seen the doctor."

"You might as well wait inside. She's still grooming."

"I've already consulted WebMD. I'm just here for a second opinion."

Second Opinions.

"Your online doctor is currently with another patient. Please go into the other room, put on some awful music and read an outdated magazine. He'll be with you in a few hours."

"There's no known treatment for it, but I can refer you to some great related content."

"There's very little of this going around? Is that supposed to make me feel better?"