Tech-savvy Patient Gifts

"Are my test results in yet?" "Yes, you can see them on my website!"

'No, the Doctor doesn't do house calls. But he does do skype calls!'

"I have to tell you, I got a totally different diagnosis from someone named PookyPoo on medi-answer.com."

'Do you want the pill, the suppository, the patch, or the app?'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

'Do you mind if I get a second opinion off the internet?'

'Must be another of Obama's healthcare cost cutting.'

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

"Take two aspirin and text me in the morning."

Second Opinions.

'Revenue's been up since we changed our WiFi policy around here.'

"This remote doctor visit is just like the real thing. I've been waiting 35 minutes and I still haven't seen the doctor."

"Your online doctor is currently with another patient. Please go into the other room, put on some awful music and read an outdated magazine. He'll be with you in a few hours."

You're telling me not to choose sides between Google and Apple. Precisely. Computer Villa. Stay neutral. Continue to support both companies. Emotionally. Right. By buying as much as you can from both companies. Doesn't that only benefit you? Heretic. Absolve yourself by upgrading your phone! Computer Villa.

"We need to update your entire operating system."

Typewriters and Laptops.

God's Phone

"We think we got some good CT scans, but unfortunately they're encrypted and our I.T. guy is on vacation this week."

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

'Social media makes things so much easier to be a gossip."

"So no bases are uncovered, Sister Ann gives the sermon to the deaf and Brother Brooks blogs it."

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

Follow God On Twitter

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

Four years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ Show, our resident octogenarian asked listeners for advice about how she can deal with her midlife crisis. Dear Sadie, I was going to suggest you start a YouTube channel to share your advice with younger people. But YouTube just stabbed its content creators in the back. They stopped showing ads on videos discussing anything even remotely controversial. That's going to put so many important voices out of business. So I don't really have an

Grandad Prodigy

"Virtual Reality glasses. Well, I said my sermon would let them see the real difference between Heaven and Hell this morning"

The Hybrid

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

The older I get, the more of my memory I outsource to Google.

"There was a system failure that caused a brief crash, but fortunately I was able to reboot."

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

Wife doing Internet banking & Online shopping, saying 'Darling, I'm just collecting my pension. Is there anything we need from the shops?'

Grandma is texting her grandchildren.

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'