Watching Interviews Gifts

'People who say professional athletes are nothing but arrogant, self-absorbed crybabies are forgetting one thing: we're OVERPAID, arrogant, self-absorbed crybabies.'

"And if it does fit, please sign this pre-nup saying you won't do any 'tell-all' interviews about the royal family."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"