Watching Interviews Gifts

'People who say professional athletes are nothing but arrogant, self-absorbed crybabies are forgetting one thing: we're OVERPAID, arrogant, self-absorbed crybabies.'

"And if it does fit, please sign this pre-nup saying you won't do any 'tell-all' interviews about the royal family."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'