Interview Watching Gifts

'We're in a hurry.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"