War Time Wits Gifts

150th Anniversary Civil War Reenactment. We're not big history buffs --- We just like saying "sesquicentennial"!

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Snowprov

Backfire

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

'The new lad's collecting shells again boss.'

Doggone

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Czarcasm

Miss America IQ Pageant

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"Lovely dovetail."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

Paper Boy

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

'He never listened to his mother!'

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

On second thought, your honor

Conference Room. I don't have the heart to tell him it wasn't a compliment when the boss said "in every brainstorming session Ernie is a ray of sunshine."

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

'Always the wise guy.'