Wannabe Pirate Gifts

'Son, as I can see it, your career prospects as a pirate seem to be... hm...limited!'

Zorro as a child.

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

Wendel enjoyed magic school but he was having a little trouble in his trickonometry class.

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

As Seen On TV

My First Boat

Yard Sale. It could be we're pillaging too much.

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

"I didn’t need to tie his hands—I just entered it into his GPS. In three feet, the destination is below you."

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

"We don't bury treasure anymore - it's all in bitcoin."

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

Who do you think you're kidding? The cub scouts don't have a "special ops."

I heard you're on your way to Europe to secure a source of black market hepatitis C drugs. What? What are you talking about? I deny everything. Where did you hear that? You added an airplane pillow, the "German For Dummies," the book "Hep C and You," and "Smugglerco Duffel Bag w/Secret Compartment" to your Amazon wishlist. I ordered you the book "Not Everyone Is Cut Out For A Life Of Crime." I deny everything.

Having a varied diet doesn't just mean all 12 varieties of 'kwiknoodles'.

Doctor telling pirate he has termites in his wooden leg.

'Wow! It even has it's own Crows Nest complete with lookout!'

It has the capabilities of a smartphone. I call it the "iPatch"!

'I have to download a software patch for my eyePhone.'

'Aye Aye phone.'

Talk like a pirate accountant day.

The Island

'Never, Ever...try to imitate LeBron James on the basketball court.'

TO BOLDLY GO where everyone else went (not all that long ago...)

After the cutbacks at flight simulator school. . .

'But look, Sire -- a whole lot of people have you down as their fifth choice!'

I spy with my little eye, something black again. Daaad.

"Carry yourself like everyone knows you, ad everyone you meet will feel like they should know you."

"My Dad would like to borrow a cup of milk...and a cook book."