Wannabe Detective Gifts

"Empty, like the last six joints you cased. Man, don't give up your day job."

* For latent content, see your psychiatrist.

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

Clive couldn't work out who was stealing office equipment...

As Seen On TV

"So Dr. Gracie...how are your patients today?"

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

It's always the same dream. I'm in therapy, analyzing my recurring dream.

'I see you have been mopping the floor while I was out. Are you doing this to be nice or disposing of evidence?'

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I ruin it for you by saying it was the butler who did it? Such a good book..."

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

'Now that WE'VE found the secret message we will respond by not telling anyone.'

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

'What do you mean give the boy a house key? He'll lose it, learn how to break in despite our sophisticated security system and be on his way to a life of crime.'

'My theory is he's faking sleep in order to get the $50 for the study.'

For latent content, see your psychiatrist.

'Sounds to me like you're not getting enough REM sleep.'

Having a varied diet doesn't just mean all 12 varieties of 'kwiknoodles'.

'If you are going to be a CSI, you can't say yuck at everything you see!'

"So a plumber charges $600 for 45 minutes' work?! Is that the coolest job or what?!"

'It says, 'Miss Scarlet in the kitchen with the candlestick.''

Crime and Identification

It appears that the victim was a nerd

Yes, inspector, it's another cold-blooded murder!

Department of Dream Studies

CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST, 'He wants to be a cop!'