Walking Wits Pillows

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

Miss America IQ Pageant

"It's a long way to Enlightenment. You might need some cash."

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

'Always the wise guy.'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

'My client stands before you, a jury of his whittling peers ...'

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

"What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing."

"She can be outspoken."

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

'We're not paprazzi. We're your parents.'

Flat Foot

"Are you sure this is in your job description?"

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

Mildred takes a shortcut to the shops. . .

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

"Master, I'm looking for enlightenment!"

'Do you, Tenured, take this, Untenured, through sickness and health, to have and to hold from this day forward?'

'Do Not Feed The Bares'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife -- the ball's in your court.'

'What children live in the sea?'

Supernan.