Railway Wits Pillows

'Passengers who are leaving the train, please make sure they take their personal belongings.'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Snowprov

Backfire

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Doggone

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Czarcasm

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

'He never listened to his mother!'

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

Paper Boy

"The cost of HS2 was 115 billion, but that was when we started the interview. It's 130 now!"

"Honesty, I saw a train yesterday"

S**t Creek Halt

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

Ticket machine costing an arm and a leg.

"Where do you get your inspiration?"

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

Death Watch

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

'I'll make a good lawyer. I know how to go for the jugular.'

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."