History Wits Pillows

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Snowprov

Backfire

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

Doggone

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Wordplay: In The Bag.

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

Czarcasm

Miss America IQ Pageant

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

Paper Boy

'He never listened to his mother!'

Stephen Fry.

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

'Always the wise guy.'

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."