History Wits Mugs

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Backfire

Snowprov

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Doggone

Czarcasm

Miss America IQ Pageant

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

'He never listened to his mother!'

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

Paper Boy

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

Stephen Fry.

Oscar Wilde

Conference Room. I don't have the heart to tell him it wasn't a compliment when the boss said "in every brainstorming session Ernie is a ray of sunshine."

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

'Always the wise guy.'

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.