Walking Wits T-Shirts

I gain weight every fall and then lose it in the spring. I have a seasonally adjusted figure.

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

Miss America IQ Pageant

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

"It's a long way to Enlightenment. You might need some cash."

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

'My client stands before you, a jury of his whittling peers ...'

On second thought, your honor

Conference Room. I don't have the heart to tell him it wasn't a compliment when the boss said "in every brainstorming session Ernie is a ray of sunshine."

'Always the wise guy.'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

"She can be outspoken."

"What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing."

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

"Master, I'm looking for enlightenment!"

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

Flat Foot

"Are you sure this is in your job description?"

'We're not paprazzi. We're your parents.'

Mildred takes a shortcut to the shops. . .

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

'Do you, Tenured, take this, Untenured, through sickness and health, to have and to hold from this day forward?'

'Do Not Feed The Bares'

You'll never get anywhere as a sculptor, Ernie, until you learn to let the chips fall where they may.

"Philip Larkin wouldn't like you, either."

Recycled humor.

'What children live in the sea?'

That remark cuts me deeply, Gloria. If I may paraphrase Shakespeare, "If you cut me, do I not bleed?" If I my paraphrase Jack the Ripper …