Waggish Wit Pillows

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Just one more question before I let you in...I can let you in...are you a cat or dog person?"

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"By God, Man! Yes!! This is the stuff we're looking for!"

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'I was fixin' to fill you full o' lead, Clanton, but it looks like that there stalactite done the job for me!'

Good boy

Sharp Eyes

"Fire one shot if you find a waterhole or two for a coffeeshop."

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

'He never listened to his mother!'

You trip on it, you buy it.

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

'No need to shout.'

Male On Sunday

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Bagel problems.

Bell Hop

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

'He has his father's feet.'

Bird feeder being used by vultures.