Voicemail Comedian Gifts

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

Cold caller.

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Can you do anything else?'

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

"All I said is I'd like a little more attention. I don't need the shenanigans."

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"I'll have my people call your people."

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

'A real person's answered it. I hate that. I'll call back when their voicemail's activated.'

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"Hon, what's an allegory?"

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

"And this model comes with a virtual mother-in-law in the back seat to make it feel authentic."

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

Ahab's Last Call.

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'

Texting or no texting?

'I'm on the train.'

'That's your misfortune, and none of my own, I'm afraid.'

Do I have a time to take a quick survey?

'I won't be in to work today... I woke up with a bug.'