Voicemail Collector Pillows

'This is a prerecorded message. Thank you for rubbing me. Please state your name and your wish. I will get back to you as soon as possible.'

"Nuts to you, too."

'Try his land line.'

"And His Majesty sends you a great big kiss, too."

'Yes, our phones have WIRES attached to them! We're no free-range blabbermouths in this household!'

'Fantastic!Stupendous!Masterly!Mind blowing!Polished!Unbeatable!Amazing!Incredible! Out of this world!...a performance that's left me speechless.'

"My phone won't fold but the manufacturer did."

Bell invents the telephone.

"Grandma, somebody wants to talk to you, but I can't get your phone off this cord."

"You don't like my new whistle?"

"I've traveled billions of light-years and visited countless planets. Earth is the only place I can't get a signal."

'Yes, I'm really modern now. I use a cell phone and no longer need a phone booth.'

"In the olden days, people used payphones. Beats me how they took selfies!"

Strictly off the record.

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid your son just isn't very smart."

Investments: New Investors Get Free Cell Phone With Ringtone 'We're in the Money'.

"You idiot. That’s the dog whistle — where’s the mouse whistle?!"

"So how long have you had this ringing in your ears?"

"No, you didn't wake me. I always sound like this."

"I just pick a new one each season. How else would you get a new Apple?"

'I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to sell you that smart phone without first verifying your IQ.'

'A real person's answered it. I hate that. I'll call back when their voicemail's activated.'

'No comment!'

Wordilly Durdillies - Ringworm

'For deliveries press the hatch key.'

Whistles

Life before mobile phones

'I though I'd developed tinnitus, then I remembered we still have a landline.'

'I'm calling you from my grandma's weird phone. She says they used to have leased phones, but I think she meant leashed.'

'Click! I'm out right now.'

"This is the voicemail of Michel Barnier.For angry drunk ranting, press 1. For separate, weepy pleading, press 2. To just sorta breathe heavily into the phone for an extended period, press 3."

"Long distance from America..."

"It's for you."