Voice Training Gifts

Teacher complaning he can't understand pupil in his course on 'Voice projection and pronunciation'

'I have nothing against you being helium. It's your voice, Steven. Your squeaky, high voice!'

'How are the ventriloquist lessons going?'

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"Bill did the voice-over for this commercial."

"The 'Sing Only in the Shower' Community Chorus"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'

Songbird.

"I can't talk louder, I'm a little horse."

It's more than a mike!

"Can you teach me to really bark? I only seem to be able to yap..."

A man and a woman discussing the skill of the pianist.

Tenors

"It's not so much the chewing that offends me, it's the mocking of our voices."

'I'm a voice over artist.'

"I don't like the tone of your voice. Mind if I tweak it a bit?"

An opera singer

"Great set of pipes!"

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now

"Sopranos", "Tenors", "Basses"

"It took years of vocal training, but I now have a vocal range from squeaky right down to tenor..."

"Sure, I can help you improve your mating call: that's my specialty..."

"I hope they read the fine print that the audiobook is to be voiced by Morgan Freeman."

The Corus.

'He's here to hit the high notes.'

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'

A singer launches her mouth from her face.

Ventriloquist Speech Therapy.

"Instead of careful interpretation of the prose, maybe try pronouncing even the most basic words like an insane person?"

Montserrat Caballé

"I was kind of hoping for 'new voices' who'd also sung before."

"Cholesterol medicine commercial, Take 3. This time, try to sound less horrified when you say, 'May cause heart to explode through ears'."

"Don't worry, our new hearing aids are very good, and you'll be able to teach her how to sing pitch-perfect..."