Voice Modulation Fan Pillows

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"Remember, you can do ANYTHING...but for only 80 cents to every dollar earned by a man."

"He had a request for me on the radio today. He wanted me to bring him a cup of tea."

'Have you been working out?'

'He's not in now. This is his secwatawy.'

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

"The people will not tolerate people speaking on behalf of the people any longer!"

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

"Coming up... more of the same mindless pop songs with repetitive lyrics and nauseating melodies!"

Workplace Confidentiality.

'Yes, a winky face is correcy...But in ancient times, the semicolon was actually used to separate archaic written devices know as 'complete sentences.''

'He's got a lot of talent and everything, but I just don't think he's cut out for talk radio.'

"Just a minute - I'm uploading."

'No, officer, I wasn't driving erratically while talking on the cell phone. I was text messaging.'

Vents, real and digital.

A servant unfamiliar with his mistress's voice

'John's animal impressions are particularly good. He not only does the sounds, he does the smells as well!'

"...and the dish ran away with the other dish."

The Red Cat: Lights/Red Cat Humour/Rhyme.

Admiral Lord Nelson practiced mindfulness techniques daily to reduce his stress levels. He found an hour of 'naval gazing' worked wonders.

WPC

"Go on, breath in the helium from the balloon, you'll sound all squeaky like me..."

Pot Needles

"And now, our newest hit song..."

Only a handful of people are this small.

Communication on a bus

And remember this carrot doubles as a stick.

"When he thinks back about this years from now, he'll only remember the good probes."

"Well, saying it over and over again doesn't make it true."

"The disc jockeys creep me out, but you can't deny that they play great music..."