Voice Modulation Fan Gifts

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"Remember, you can do ANYTHING...but for only 80 cents to every dollar earned by a man."

'Have you been working out?'

"He had a request for me on the radio today. He wanted me to bring him a cup of tea."

'He's not in now. This is his secwatawy.'

"Coming up... more of the same mindless pop songs with repetitive lyrics and nauseating melodies!"

"The people will not tolerate people speaking on behalf of the people any longer!"

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

Workplace Confidentiality.

'Yes, a winky face is correcy...But in ancient times, the semicolon was actually used to separate archaic written devices know as 'complete sentences.''

'He's got a lot of talent and everything, but I just don't think he's cut out for talk radio.'

"Do you hear what I hear?"

Terry Wogan

"Just a minute - I'm uploading."

'No, officer, I wasn't driving erratically while talking on the cell phone. I was text messaging.'

Vents, real and digital.

A servant unfamiliar with his mistress's voice

"Go on, breath in the helium from the balloon, you'll sound all squeaky like me..."

'John's animal impressions are particularly good. He not only does the sounds, he does the smells as well!'

The Red Cat: Lights/Red Cat Humour/Rhyme.

"...and the dish ran away with the other dish."

3...2...1...I'm Recording

Only a handful of people are this small.

WPC

Admiral Lord Nelson practiced mindfulness techniques daily to reduce his stress levels. He found an hour of 'naval gazing' worked wonders.

"And now, our newest hit song..."

Communication on a bus

Pot Needles

And remember this carrot doubles as a stick.

"When he thinks back about this years from now, he'll only remember the good probes."

Tweeted

"Well, saying it over and over again doesn't make it true."