Vision Quirks Gifts

"Billy's cheating, Susan is lying, Dave, no, that's Gary, no, Bob. Bob's stealing?"

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Except for that wall socket, the whole damn thing is a trompe-l'oeil."

"I think I've fixed the intercom. Just remember to speak into the ceiling fan when the doorbell rings."

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

"We only do salads. There's no need to keep warning customers that the plates are cold."

'I'm thinking about laser eye surgery.'

"May I borrow your glasses so I can find my glasses?"

'I had laser eye surgery and I still can't find the remote.'

Jack and the Beanie stock.

"With the new year approaching, I was hoping you could help with my resolution...."

'Doing this was easy. Finding someone nuts enough to buy the crap - THAT'S art!'

'No-one else would brag about being on Rogue Traders.'

"We saw the Great Wall and lots of pagodas, and I have a transplanted stomach."

'Make sure they fit straight!'

'Still getting the hang of laser surgery'

'Yes, normally, carrots are good for you eyes, but in your case they only increase your sense of smell.'

Contacts vs. Glasses

"I suppose it does him credit - he never was big on facing reality."

'I know Joe's sight isn't all that but the captain's not going to like it.'

"We quantum physicists put a little extra bounce in our step, and hey, you never know!"

"I've got about 3 more inches before I'm willing to get reading glasses."

"He married her for her stuff."

You're right, I need to clean my glasses.

Guy in Opthamology Store Room getting Evil Eyeballs.

'Don't worship me.' 'I've lost a contact lens.'

Wine-O-vision

"Don't blame me, the tourist brochure says it's one of the World's great spectacles."

'You'll need a while to get used to them.'

'I don't know how you kids can sit around all day watching this garbage on television.'

"Rex, Rex, put your glasses on! Don't sniff that bottom, it's not another dog: it's a skunk!"

Short sighted huntsman

Man sees two water towers, one for 'Hot', one for 'Cold'

Restaurant resreved tables 'Reserved' 'Outgoing'

'Why does my stomach growl when I drink beer?', 'Maybe it's jealous of your kidneys.'