Vintage Stories Gifts

Dick Swiveller Wakes to see the Marchioness Playing Cribbage

Tarzan of the damn dirty apes.

"Hi Honey, I'm Holmes"

"I'm looking for a good old-fashioned housemaid - the kind that screams when discovering a dead body."

Steve McQueen

"Whatcha watching, Dad?"

"Let that breathe a little. But not too much. My last bottle hyperventilated."

I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it? No. What if I drank scotch and smoked a cigar and listened to vinyl records and grew a big lumberjack beard? It's what all the hipsters are doing. You're not a hipster. I'm at least a kneester. At most you're a keister.

At a silent moment - I don't know Slim, it's quiet.. a little too quiet.

Rudyard Kipling.

Last night I dreamed I was lying on a beach with Sandra Dee, and a big lifeguard asked to see my beach tag. I didn

"Drat!"

W.C.Fields

Laurel and Hardy

"Now here's where she gets the military secrets."

". . . And I tell you that Sir Walter Raleigh used his OWN coat."

Jack and Jill

Professor in time machine at the end of a battle "Damn watch!"

'Sorry Jane, I can't make it home in time. The 10-o'clock liana is delayed.'

"Long story short, the video of me losing the sheep went viral on ewe-tube...and here I am!"

'Thet're alright if you don't mind Caharlie Chaplin inflight movies.'

"Gentlemen, this is Mr. Griscom, Super Films' new horror expert."

Doris Day

"It's an old movie, back before they invented color, and everyone wore black and white back then."

"She never shaves her legs...can she actually be going on a date?"

"The sixties are over, Ralph. The seventies and the eighties, for God's sake, are over. Give it a rest!"

'This is a pirate moving image isn't it?'

'And this is William Handler, one of the biggest stars of the '50s. . . not too smart though.'

Mafia Passport Photo

'Tarzan thought time Tarzan trade in elephant for something smaller.'

Mysterious appearance of the gentleman in small clothes

Grauchos

Frank N. Stein: 'Sir, there's a mob here to see you. Should I send them in?'

Little Bo-Peep searching for her sheep.

Oh, you'll talk – unless you want Joe here to go through your Insta and like all your ex-girlfriend's old photos.