Vigilante Pillows

I've got to monitor all chatter in the cafe to prevent future pastry thefts. I don't know … What if you've got a scone thief for a neighbor, or a friend, or even a family member? Sure, today it's just a scone. But the next attack could be huge – the big one! You don't mean … Hoagie. They're trying to destroy our whole way of life.

"Stop summoning me about rising sea levels. I do costumed supervillains staling jewels, men in beanies grabbing handbags - that sort of thing."

"Because when you go first nobody else has any fun, that's why."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"Don't you think you're taking this whole, 'neighbourhood watch' thing a little too serious, dear?"

'This goes way beyond just keeping the flies off me...I'm fighting crime now too!'

Scarecrows guarding a field

"Peter Parker is Spiderman! Clark Kent is Superman!! Bruce Wayne is Batman!"

Guide to Contagious Diseases.

Johnson allows the Delta variant to run wild in Britain

You can relax now.

Nun confronts mugger.

Guns won't help

'Drugs' 'Viruses'.

"It's the Grammar Police! Have you been using 'your' when you should be using 'you're' again?"

"Stocks closed higher on news that despite market volatility, Edgar Freund, just an average investor from Petoskey, Michigan, decided not to sell anything."

'I've brought my attorney along to read the small print.'

"I do wish they'd hurry up with that vaccine, so I can get back to worrying about dying of something else."

"No, it won't last long, but while it does I aim to fight as much evil as possible."

A footballer is having an eye test.

'The opportunity to be fair and just is rewarding - but what I especially like is taking the law into my own hands.'

A knight fights the Covid-19 virus.

"Miss Jones, get up here and change this eye chart, please!"

'Mom, the only thing I don't like about this job is the screen saver.'

'Yer luck's run out old timer - I've come fer what's mine!'

Monster in optician.

He takes snitching on car drivers to another level…

The Marks of Zorro

Journalism

'She wasn't hoydening when she chuffed arrack.'

'You haven't been eating your carrots, have you?'

'You appreciate that you have just used a split infinitive!'

"What's the point of being your sidekick if the courts won't recognize it?"

What a hypochondriac --- He's always turning on his "check engine" light!

"So how to you know I'm an optician?"