Vigilante Pillows

"Stop summoning me about rising sea levels. I do costumed supervillains staling jewels, men in beanies grabbing handbags - that sort of thing."

"Because when you go first nobody else has any fun, that's why."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"Don't you think you're taking this whole, 'neighbourhood watch' thing a little too serious, dear?"

'This goes way beyond just keeping the flies off me...I'm fighting crime now too!'

Scarecrows guarding a field

"Peter Parker is Spiderman! Clark Kent is Superman!! Bruce Wayne is Batman!"

Johnson allows the Delta variant to run wild in Britain

You can relax now.

Nun confronts mugger.

Guns won't help

"It's the Grammar Police! Have you been using 'your' when you should be using 'you're' again?"

'Drugs' 'Viruses'.

"Stocks closed higher on news that despite market volatility, Edgar Freund, just an average investor from Petoskey, Michigan, decided not to sell anything."

'I've brought my attorney along to read the small print.'

A footballer is having an eye test.

"No, it won't last long, but while it does I aim to fight as much evil as possible."

'The opportunity to be fair and just is rewarding - but what I especially like is taking the law into my own hands.'

A knight fights the Covid-19 virus.

"Miss Jones, get up here and change this eye chart, please!"

'Yer luck's run out old timer - I've come fer what's mine!'

'Mom, the only thing I don't like about this job is the screen saver.'

Monster in optician.

He takes snitching on car drivers to another level…

'She wasn't hoydening when she chuffed arrack.'

The Marks of Zorro

'You haven't been eating your carrots, have you?'

'You appreciate that you have just used a split infinitive!'

"What's the point of being your sidekick if the courts won't recognize it?"

"So how to you know I'm an optician?"

'Sir, what is the matter?' - 'New contact lenses.'