Vice Avoider Pillows

"I want to show my Missus what happens to guys like you."

'Before you give us your surprise test, could we have a surprise study period?'

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

"Tarzan no want computer."

"Shouldn't you be studying?

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Fred gives up his MP3 Player in favor of conch shells.

Election Cancelling Headphones

Snoozed when I should have schmoozed.

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

"I invited a few friends over. Don’t worry – you can still be miserable."

Herman likes to stay in his comfort zone.

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

An agony of aunts

"Back to face-to-face working, lad? I think not! Be off home with you!"

"We came early to avoid the conga line."

'Been coming here for years and never bumped into anyone who knows me . . . weird!'

"But this is the way we've always done it."

Not in the mood for human interaction line

It's new from British Telecom, a telephone ignoring machine.

'I went to the city once, but I couldn't get used to the crowds'.

'I roll over and play dead when I don't want to see someone.'

'Vice is one thing but advice is far worse!'

'Thurlow, the difference between you and me is that I was smart enough not to take my own advice.'

"Well, it might interest you to know that 'running naked' means running without a watch or iphone."

'No thanks.'

"It says it's sick and tired of telling me to update my software and if I don't do it right now it's going to explode."

"This is where I go to get away from reality TV."

'My dog ate my homework, so I couldn't study for the test. So, as his punishment, he'll be taking the test for me.'

BOOKS: Stuff you really don't want to know.

"It's nothing...probably something I just ate for dinner."

The new, improved "Hide-A-Dysfunction" Slip Cover

"I don't have kids because after twenty years of teaching there isn't a child's name I can hear that won't give me horrible flash backs."