Vice Avoider Gifts

"I want to show my Missus what happens to guys like you."

'Before you give us your surprise test, could we have a surprise study period?'

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

"Tarzan no want computer."

"Shouldn't you be studying?

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

Snoozed when I should have schmoozed.

Election Cancelling Headphones

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Fred gives up his MP3 Player in favor of conch shells.

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

"I invited a few friends over. Don’t worry – you can still be miserable."

Herman likes to stay in his comfort zone.

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

"We came early to avoid the conga line."

An agony of aunts

'Been coming here for years and never bumped into anyone who knows me . . . weird!'

"Back to face-to-face working, lad? I think not! Be off home with you!"

"But this is the way we've always done it."

Not in the mood for human interaction line

'I went to the city once, but I couldn't get used to the crowds'.

'I roll over and play dead when I don't want to see someone.'

It's new from British Telecom, a telephone ignoring machine.

'Thurlow, the difference between you and me is that I was smart enough not to take my own advice.'

'No thanks.'

'Vice is one thing but advice is far worse!'

"Well, it might interest you to know that 'running naked' means running without a watch or iphone."

"It says it's sick and tired of telling me to update my software and if I don't do it right now it's going to explode."

Instead of pretending we're not home, couldn't we just not do video chats?

"This is where I go to get away from reality TV."

'My dog ate my homework, so I couldn't study for the test. So, as his punishment, he'll be taking the test for me.'

BOOKS: Stuff you really don't want to know.

'I didn't get the memo. I like not getting memos.'

The new, improved "Hide-A-Dysfunction" Slip Cover