Variety Agent Gifts

'It's short cut pastry - I'm allergic to cold steel.'

Marvo the Bird Impersonator

'It's not easy being ahead of your time.'

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

Garden.

"Great news, I've booked you two stag nights, a hen party and fourteen solemn thanksgiving services for members of the theatrical profession"

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"The team needs LEADERSHIP, anyone have a view on that?"

'I'm thankful you didn't make turnips.'

Meet Santa's entourage

Snow White and her Seven people.

'Because I'm so sick of those movies, now go get me a romantic comedy.'

"People are always banging on about the advantages of 'so-called' diversity."

'Oh, the guru is up on the next peak -- I'm his agent.'

'Therapy in L.A.'

'Michelle's Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms'

"Welcome to our symposium on sexism, and a special thanks to all the lovely ladies who brought a plate."

'He's soccer mad! Ever since he did his first sums he's wanted to be a players' agent.'

"So your agent doesn't like your lawyer, and your PlR. people don't like your manager. They all like you."

'I told you I'd make you a star.'

"Yes, Your Honor. I am Mr. Brandon, Mr. Shindelbower's attorney, along with his agent and publicist."

Hollywood, 2083.

"My agent."

"Oh dear, how embarrassing!"

"A P.R. Intern Named Salome with the Head Shot of John the Client."

Quiz: Find the Subtle Signs of Implicit Bias

"Man does not live by chips alone. There's also guacamole."

"These are my windscreen credits."

"Yes, Your Honor, I'm Mr. Brandon, Mr. Shindelbower's attorney, along with his agent and publicist."

'Can you do anything else?'

"For his next picture, my client wants creative control, script approval, and a percentage of the gross. Is that clear?"

'Tonight - music from cat, acrobatics from cow, comedy from me - we have a great show for you - don't run away!'

"That's enough therapy. From here on out, I think I could do a hell of a lot more for both of us as your agent."