Vanity Fair Member Gifts

'These mirror glasses are for vain people, the mirrors are on the inside.'

"I can never get my sunglasses on my head the way my hairdresser does"

Man admiring his patterned clothes in the mirror

"Do you have any of that after shave that makes me look like Brad Pitt?"

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

Insecurities of the Bald Eagle.

"Wow, your mane looks fantastic! New conditioner?"

'You're on Deck! Wilson! Hurry up with that pedicure!'

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

"How are the new lips feeling babe?"

TV-Mirror.

'Mommy puts on a disguise every time, before she goes to work.'

"Look at me, everyone! I'm amazing!"

'I can't see anything through these ridiculous tiny slits, I'll take them.'

"...And please let at least one person admire my new hat!"

'If you ain't broke, I'll fix it.'

'I turn the other cheek more now that Botox has made it wrinkle-free.'

'Believe me, sweetie, if I thought the 'Wrinkle Out' setting on the clothes dryer would work...'

'Get the 'extra hold' bear spray. I want to look good when we come out of hibernation.'

"The selfie of Dorian Gray"

'I like to stay fit. Or at least wear a lot of lycra.'

'I know how you feel.'

Rabbit has cosmetically enhanced teeth: 'I always said that when I could afford to I'd get them fixed.'

"There's something you should consider before you begin—my hair works hard and it plays hard."

Extreme Vanity Press - Fall, 2007

'What would you say about me having my spots enlarged?'

The Paper Silhouette Editor

'Ben believes looking suave is the most important part of fly fishing.'

"You're so vein."

'It's the least I can do. I don't have enough money to get cloned.'

Bill Jones - Bill Jones w/out makeup

'Having limited funds, Irwin goes with the less expensive chest hair transplant.'

Tanning Machine on the beach

Stars Without Make-Up.