Vanity Fair Member T-Shirts

'These mirror glasses are for vain people, the mirrors are on the inside.'

"I can never get my sunglasses on my head the way my hairdresser does"

Man admiring his patterned clothes in the mirror

"Do you have any of that after shave that makes me look like Brad Pitt?"

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

Insecurities of the Bald Eagle.

"Wow, your mane looks fantastic! New conditioner?"

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

"How are the new lips feeling babe?"

'You're on Deck! Wilson! Hurry up with that pedicure!'

'I can't see anything through these ridiculous tiny slits, I'll take them.'

'Mommy puts on a disguise every time, before she goes to work.'

TV-Mirror.

"...And please let at least one person admire my new hat!"

Krest Yellow Strips. (Rat performs dental hygiene.)

"Look at me, everyone! I'm amazing!"

'If you ain't broke, I'll fix it.'

'I turn the other cheek more now that Botox has made it wrinkle-free.'

'Get the 'extra hold' bear spray. I want to look good when we come out of hibernation.'

'Believe me, sweetie, if I thought the 'Wrinkle Out' setting on the clothes dryer would work...'

"The selfie of Dorian Gray"

'I like to stay fit. Or at least wear a lot of lycra.'

'I know how you feel.'

Rabbit has cosmetically enhanced teeth: 'I always said that when I could afford to I'd get them fixed.'

"There's something you should consider before you begin—my hair works hard and it plays hard."

Extreme Vanity Press - Fall, 2007

Bill Jones - Bill Jones w/out makeup

'It's the least I can do. I don't have enough money to get cloned.'

'Ben believes looking suave is the most important part of fly fishing.'

'What would you say about me having my spots enlarged?'

The Paper Silhouette Editor

'This is Photoshop. It's like the beauty salon of the Internet.'

Stars Without Make-Up.

Tanning Machine on the beach

'Having limited funds, Irwin goes with the less expensive chest hair transplant.'