Vanity Advocate Gifts

'Here I am...just back from the beauty parlor...'

"I'm not into health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get."

Welcome to Umbilicoplasty aesthetic surgery

The Cougher

"I can never get my sunglasses on my head the way my hairdresser does"

Man admiring his patterned clothes in the mirror

"Do you have any of that after shave that makes me look like Brad Pitt?"

'Maybe a helium boob job wasn't such a good idea,babe!'

'Don't all look at me like that! What did you expect the face pack to do for me?'

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

Insecurities of the Bald Eagle.

'You're on Deck! Wilson! Hurry up with that pedicure!'

"How are the new lips feeling babe?"

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

TV-Mirror.

'Mommy puts on a disguise every time, before she goes to work.'

"...And please let at least one person admire my new hat!"

"Look at me, everyone! I'm amazing!"

'I can't see anything through these ridiculous tiny slits, I'll take them.'

'If you ain't broke, I'll fix it.'

'I turn the other cheek more now that Botox has made it wrinkle-free.'

'I'm defragging my wardrobe.'

'I like to stay fit. Or at least wear a lot of lycra.'

'Get the 'extra hold' bear spray. I want to look good when we come out of hibernation.'

"I'm Hygienia, the good witch of the north."

"The selfie of Dorian Gray"

'I know how you feel.'

"There's something you should consider before you begin—my hair works hard and it plays hard."

Extreme Vanity Press - Fall, 2007

Tanning Machine on the beach

'Ben believes looking suave is the most important part of fly fishing.'

Bill Jones - Bill Jones w/out makeup

Stars Without Make-Up.

Leaving my favorite restaurant, I note rats arriving for the night shift.

'Having limited funds, Irwin goes with the less expensive chest hair transplant.'