Urbanite Jokester Pillows

"I reckon we've gone too far accommodating them townies."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

That isn't what prove you're not a robot means, Bob.

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

"You idiots … we lost!"

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

The Mayor Alonzo Q. Furdweiller Pothole. Looks like the mayor and the city council are bickering again.

"Remember, the password is case sensitive."

Cleaning the Horse

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'Tender and Juicy.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

Interrupted Shower.

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

"No matter who I vote for, Tia Carmen always votes for the other guy. That means my candidate gets two votes!"

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'