Upscale Dining Connoisseur Gifts

'You call that restaurant upscale? I couldn't even get a pitcher of Champagne.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"Room for dessert, folks?"

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"How's the salmon?"

"Quick swig first?"

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

'Thank you waiter - my wife's the rabbit.'

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

"May I take your plate or are you still nibbling?"

"My secret is having a ton of money to buy the best ingredients."

"I think I'll have the fish. No, wait... yes, the fish." "So many choices... what is a Reuben? Never mind, I'll have the fish, too." "I always get the same thing, but it's so good. Alright, I'll have the fish."

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

"My compliments to the sommelier."

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

"We're out of today's soup, but you can have tomorrow's soup from yesterday which is the same as today's."

"Both the wine and I need to breathe, Albert."

The simultaneous development of dining and pomposity.

Two scottish gentleman debating over having Welsh rabbit

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

'Openly sobbing, or non-openly sobbing?'

'Heads it's mortgage payment, tails it's 1st growth Bordeaux.'

'Our businessman's special includes fortune cookies filled with stock tips'