Upscale Dining Enthusiast Gifts

'Sir, one waiter is enough to bring the meals, but it takes two to carry the bill.'

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Advanced footsie

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

"Anything but milk and cookies."

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"The chef recommends the tilapia. However, I really like the vodka."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"What kind of biscuits are they?"

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

"I'm very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians"

this bordeaux speaks for itself

Am Awful Crammer.

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

'Enjoy your meal - but be warned we have a very bad tempered chef.'

'I don't have enough money for a tip, but feel free to eat the leftovers!'

"You and your daft inventions."

"Who ordered the moose en croute?"