Dining Connoisseur Gifts

"Waiter, I'd like to order, unless I've eaten, in which case bring me the check."

'Don't bring me anything younger than my liver.'

'Don't overdo the mustard, sir -- we're trying to control costs around here.'

'Steak knife please, Phil.'

"Yours is what's taking so long."

"Yikes! Somebody ask him if they take plastic."

'There will be an eight-hour wait. Would you like a cot?'

'I don't like to complain, but I ordered the cod.'

Social Importance: When the maitre d' knows your name.

'. . . the Winter of Discontent Soup, Arab Spring Roll, Summer Madness Salad and The Season of Mellow Mists Fruit Medley.'

The Waiter

'Hello sir. I'm Darren, and I'll be your mugger for this evening.'

'The bouquet is reminiscent of rubber nose - but then, it always is...'

"It appears someone's not too thrilled about your birds nest soup!"

'It's a royal Stilton, put a tie on.'

"Hang on hun. A table with a more expensive tab needs me."

'Now that was a great dinner honey...we should have it again real soon!'

'Here's your businessman's lunch, you bloated plutocrat.'

"The salad - does it come with flavour?"

'You'll like this, sir. It's known as the plonker's plonk.'

"Quick swig first?"

"Some fresh salad with your pepper, sir?"

"Compliments to the chef. It really is superbly cooked!"

'I'm required to tell you that the wine you chose will be brought to you table in a jug.'

'He'll give you the wine order in 20 minutes. It's one of the drawbacks of watching delayed stock quotes all day.'

"My compliments to the chef."

"Would you like to see the wine list?"

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

'Waiter, your tip is getting cold.'

"The first bottle sounds perfect...but the other bottle has such a pretty label!"

"Yes I know we asked for a quiet table, but. . . "

"Who's ordered the cheese platter?"

"No, we have this waiter keep asking us if everything is okay!"

WAITING ROOM

"Ça suffit, good buddy!"