Upscale Dining Connoisseur T-Shirts

'You call that restaurant upscale? I couldn't even get a pitcher of Champagne.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"Room for dessert, folks?"

"How's the salmon?"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think I'll have the fish. No, wait... yes, the fish." "So many choices... what is a Reuben? Never mind, I'll have the fish, too." "I always get the same thing, but it's so good. Alright, I'll have the fish."

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

"May I take your plate or are you still nibbling?"

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

"Quick swig first?"

"My secret is having a ton of money to buy the best ingredients."

'Thank you waiter - my wife's the rabbit.'

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

The date was going well. She was better looking, but he was about to gain the nutritional edge.

The simultaneous development of dining and pomposity.

"My compliments to the sommelier."

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

'Heads it's mortgage payment, tails it's 1st growth Bordeaux.'

"Both the wine and I need to breathe, Albert."

'Openly sobbing, or non-openly sobbing?'

'Our businessman's special includes fortune cookies filled with stock tips'

Two scottish gentleman debating over having Welsh rabbit

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"We're out of today's soup, but you can have tomorrow's soup from yesterday which is the same as today's."