Upgrade Celebration Gifts

'All those years I rode those small bikes...well, as you can see, those days are over.'

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

"Don't forget to leave me a wakeup call so I can get the worm!"

"Hey, you stick your neck out on a regular basis, it's gonna happen. The important thing is to just get up and keep moving forward."

'Great news, Dear! I've been traded to a think tank in California for a PhD Specializing in the Baltics!'

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"That arrow always goes to the bottom when I walk by."

My new laptop is nicer than your new laptop. I'm not going to get into a competition about whose new laptop is nicer. The one I replaced is nicer than the one you replaced. Stop it.

"You weren't expecting a walrus, right?"

'I can't give you a raise, a promotion or a bigger office, but I AM going to allow you to have a personality.'

Not a surprise, coming from the new boss - who looks about 6 years old.

"I won it for being the most noncompetitive in preschool."

'Parsloe, your desk is blocking the corporate food chain.'

"I am dressed for the job I want."

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

Man feeding his computer money.

"I think that was one upgrade to many for Chris!"

Help wanted. Various positions available.

Ace headhunters.

'I was so angry, I got up and tip-toed out of the meeting. I probably should've stomped.'

"No, you can't have a raise. You didn't say, 'mother, may I'."

'Time to leave your comfort zone, Hoskins.'

'I was speeding right along toward my goal of moving up from middle management, when a cost-cutting measure overtook me!'

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

Cog-In-The-Wheel

'Congratulations, Forester. Your ingenious scheme to cut production costs ... In anticipation of this inevitable development, we are reducing your salary.'

"Anyway, we'd love to have You on board for the Creighton deal."

"I'm good enough at making excuses that I don't have to be good at anything else!"

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

'Here comes Mr. 'Smarter-then-you'.'

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

'Ok, Barker. I'll give you your own office - if you promise you won't mark it.'

The Robotics Department. It says here that these guys completely replace all the cells in their bodies every seven years! Wow! What a slow upgrade cycle! If we don't replace all our parts every six months we become obsolete! It makes you wonder why they're in charge! Yeah, like they expect us to remember thousands of gigabytes of data while they forget their passwords! (Published originally on April 19, 2006)

"Nope! He'd never set eyes on a water cooler in all his years in the office!"