Unlucky Pal Gifts

'The alarm didn't go off, my car wouldn't start, missed the bus, my back's aching, haven't had a raise in two years ...'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"It get it – you're hungry."

Dogma

Miniature Cattle Fanciers

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'I hate my life.

"I need to go home now! I'm all out of pee!"

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'

'Everybody gets to go fishing but me! Life just isn't fair!'

"In case you hadn't noticed, this is a multiple cat home!"

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

'Oh no we couldn't...We've known one another too long' Then they kiss and laugh

"Aw, he's really attached to you."

In the dog park

'It's finished, my masterpiece - wait...'

Waiter is about to give diner the Turkey Surprise dinner.

Man is mugged in the snow and then mugged again by the same person when on holiday.

...thirty-nine years young, recent divorcee, lifestyle includes a canine leitmotif....

"And God, if it isn't too much trouble, please clean the printhead."

'Nobody will see it in the sauna. Besides, how bad can your birthmark actually be?'

'All the demons chipped in to get Satan a gag gift for his birthday.'

But alas, it was only Grandpa Otis and his signature, 'Pull my feather,' prank.

"My neighbor's house got TPed, and doubled in value."

Love.

"Local Showers"

"Whoa! He musta' jumped ten feet that time."

'You poor dumb animal, all you know is eat and sleep.'

"So do you think he smells other dogs out there or hears them?"

"Just stare up into the corner of the ceiling and growl. It really freaks him out."

'How thoughtful - he even got the dog a present.'

'So you're a cat person...'

Beware of Old Dogs Learning New Tricks

'Jiggles is out for the season... he broke his funny bone.'

'first it was bankruptcy,then I totaled my four-wheeler,then my marriage.Now the magic has gone out of casting.'