Unlucky Pal Pillows

'The alarm didn't go off, my car wouldn't start, missed the bus, my back's aching, haven't had a raise in two years ...'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"It get it – you're hungry."

Miniature Cattle Fanciers

Dogma

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'I hate my life.

"I need to go home now! I'm all out of pee!"

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'

'Oh no we couldn't...We've known one another too long' Then they kiss and laugh

"In case you hadn't noticed, this is a multiple cat home!"

'Everybody gets to go fishing but me! Life just isn't fair!'

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

In the dog park

'It's finished, my masterpiece - wait...'

Waiter is about to give diner the Turkey Surprise dinner.

But alas, it was only Grandpa Otis and his signature, 'Pull my feather,' prank.

'All the demons chipped in to get Satan a gag gift for his birthday.'

'Nobody will see it in the sauna. Besides, how bad can your birthmark actually be?'

Man is mugged in the snow and then mugged again by the same person when on holiday.

"And God, if it isn't too much trouble, please clean the printhead."

...thirty-nine years young, recent divorcee, lifestyle includes a canine leitmotif....

"My neighbor's house got TPed, and doubled in value."

Love.

"Local Showers"

'You poor dumb animal, all you know is eat and sleep.'

'So you're a cat person...'

"So do you think he smells other dogs out there or hears them?"

"Just stare up into the corner of the ceiling and growl. It really freaks him out."

Beware of Old Dogs Learning New Tricks

'Jiggles is out for the season... he broke his funny bone.'

"Whoa! He musta' jumped ten feet that time."

'first it was bankruptcy,then I totaled my four-wheeler,then my marriage.Now the magic has gone out of casting.'

'I never set my phone to 'vibrate.' If I'm purring, I never know if I'm getting a call or not.'