University Reminiscers Gifts

Graduation.

What've you been up to since college, Lemont? Oh, I became a journalist … had a kid, blah blah … but I wanna hear about you, Rudy. Grigori Rasputin. How've you been all these years? How's your Uncle Mort? Are you a Russian spy? Boop boop boop. How'd that stomach-tumble-translator startup you founded in the nineties go? Wait ... what did you say you became? What do they have on President Trump? How's your cat? Boop.

The Janitor at the Harvard University Alumni Reunion is one of the Gang.

'You talk about her so much. Why don't you invite that Alma Mater of yours to dinner sometime?'

'Gee, maybe there was something wrong with this college.'

"Yeh, we met at University too, I was a Porter and Sharon was a cleaner."

Nation of Has-Beens (and Never-Will-Bes)

One shandy and two glasses of tap water please.

'The little punks were waving a red flag at me! In my youth, I would have given them a run for their money!'

No, it does still fit! This is exactly how it fit in college.

Ned thinks back to his youth.

'Can we have a starter for ten, please?'

"Yale mom. Yale grandpa. Yale estranged creepy uncle."

"Enjoy your youth. Soon you'll be an old cynic like me with nothing worth barking at."

"I went to my college class reunion. Everyone else is unemployed."

"Ogden, could you pull a string and get me one of those pictures of you naked at Yale?"

'I thought they told you that any donation, no matter how small, would be greatly appreciated.'

"School is a lot like life. It's hours and hours of boredom...interrupted by the occasional moment of panic."

'Don't let her charm you. When we were in the lunch room, I saw her eating veggies.'

'What was I like 20 years ago? I was younger, thinner, better looking, sexier. . . and poorer.'

Honest Sir, I am doing my work. See, I've drawn a blank.

I'm not interested in buying new technology. What's wrong with me? Don't worry. I went through a brief period in college where I wasn't attracted to women. I didn't want to date or even have flings. It was a dark, horrible abyss that felt like it would never, ever end! How is this helping? Red Maxim repeatedly until it passes.

'No, that's my photo above the caption: 'Student most likely to succeed'.'

I'm Googling a couple of old uni mates.

"I see you went to college on a wrestling scholarship."

Bank. I dreamed last night that I was back in high school, and I forgot my locker combination.

"Electricity isn't as good as it used to be"

'Look Darling, it's Crazy Eddie from University. He hasn't changed a bit.'

The Chairman is ex-navy...

'I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. It was a shovel.'

'Maybe we shouldn't talk about sports.'

"I just can't shake the alumni newsletter."