Universe Jester Gifts

"Actually, they all look alike to me."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"Nobody's perfect, but we're working on it."

Elephants never scared me. I once chased three of them into the river/I was able - before I lost my teeth - to bite a crocodile's tail right off / I'll never forget the time I roared so loud, twenty or maybe thirty monkeys fell right out of the tree.

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

Crow and fox

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

"Yes, in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight, but he snores!"

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

'And before we start, Higgins, I'd like to remind you that this is not a laughing matter.'

"I'm going to shoot some hoops with members of the Flat Earth Society."

'My Dad will like you. He's the care-taker at the monkey house in the zoo.'

'The mysteries of hyena laughter deciphered.'

Man Tries Use Telescope In Observatory As Cannon.

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'Tusking...one...two...three. Tusking one...two...three...'

"Frankly, I don't really want him to improve: he scares the predators away..."

Control Center. A satellite is falling! Tell NASA to divert it so it doesn't hit North Africa. Good golly, Miss Mali!

Show Jumping Tantrums

We interrupt today's "The Price is Right" episode to bring you breaking news … Weeks ago, the Hubble telescope spotted a rogue planet the size of Venus plummeting through the solar system on a collision course with earth. It turns out it was actually just a prank involving two very bored ISS astronauts and a grapefruit. Breaking News!!!!! Maybe we should send them to Mars after all. One of them seems to have scrawled "Around and around and around and around" all over his space suit, in crayon.

"The Real Reason For Global Warming."

"He's a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis."

'With this offer you get high speed internet, satellite TV and a new message tapping log for just $99.95 a month.'

Mama Z'Belle...astrologer...your fortune based on the science of astronomy: 'Oh, oh it looks like your chart has shifted red...'

'Houston, you're not going to believe this...'

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'Screw up and take out a canine and it's gonna be Subpoena City.'

'Maybe the Universe isn't expanding -- maybe it's just you.'

Finish Annual IOK Grunion Run

"How would I know what 'the meaning of life' is...? I was hoping you were mountain rescue!"

An angel spinning the Vitruvian Man

'My husband never does anything in a hurry either: Not only is he a sloth, he's a lazy sloth...'

The Ekert Saga: '...Oh...did I fahget to mention it happened behfah, physicists call it the big bang..'

"Last dunk and then we need to do work."

"Wow, I've never met an astronomer before."