Unexpected Sage Gifts

"Well, for starters, you’re holding the shovel all wrong."

"Finally, after years of work, irrefutable proof that I'm a nerd."

"I imagined the Library of Congress would be much bigger."

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

Learn Guitar In 6 Easy Lessons: Add another fifty difficult ones!

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

One way only.

A book reviewer reads between the margins.

'My teacher said the school has tough new standards and I need to improve my vocabulary. What's 'vocabulary'?'

'It's not dead, honey. You've just never seen it turned off before.'

One can hardly be expected to solve the riddle of existence without a computer

Fumes from furniture

'Ere-we distinctly asked for SAM an' Ella!'

Computer spying.

"Sure your portfolio has taken a hit, but if you stay in the market for the long haul you'll be fine."

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

"You've done it - you've come up with the perfect password."

'If you're going to stare at that thing all day, at least watch something educational,,, like Japan,'

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

'It's all right, Dad -- it's a Buddhist chat room!'

"Rough year?" (2021 new year baby asking 2020 old year man)

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Why god isn't listening...

The past only looks good when you're living in the present.

'Wh-h-hatz-u-upp, dude?'

"Either the crystal ball's had it or you have."

'There goes Mr. Negativity.'

It isn't about what's right or wrong, but choosing what's right for you. Therapy makes shopping way more difficult.

"You're addicted to your phone and I think you need help."

"Meaning of life? Oh, you want my brother. Third mountain over on my right. Me, I'm just a hermit."

"Don't be discouraged. Do it over, monitor the results...write your paper."