Undergoing Weight-loss Surgery Gifts

"How's the gastric band working out?"

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

"All I do is swim and eat plankton, but do I lose weight?"

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

'Now that I've lost weight, I can't afford new clothes in my size.'

On the back of the t-shirt...

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

To do before Saturday...

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

Secretive Weigh In.

'Don't worry, you're safe. I started my diet today.'

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

'Take one of these diet pills every time you regain consciousness.'

Zoo. Diet Clinic. Hey everybody --- There's no longer an 800-pound gorilla in the room!

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

The new diet not working out too good, huh, Frank?

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

Overeaters anonymous meeting today at 5:00.

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

"I really didn't have a weight problem until they invented skinny jeans."

"You need to do less talking the talk and more walking the walk."

How to go form fit to fat...

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

Gym. You lost a pound this week? It's only because I always leave here too tired to go looking for it!

'Don't worry about a few pounds up or down. Our main concern is always your bottom line.'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

Woman weighing herself while holding balloons