Considering Weight Loss Surgery Gifts

Autoliposuction

"Believe me, babe, you'll be sorry after my gastric bypass."

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"All I do is swim and eat plankton, but do I lose weight?"

'Now that I've lost weight, I can't afford new clothes in my size.'

On the back of the t-shirt...

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

To do before Saturday...

Secretive Weigh In.

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

'Don't worry, you're safe. I started my diet today.'

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

The new diet not working out too good, huh, Frank?

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

'Take one of these diet pills every time you regain consciousness.'

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

Zoo. Diet Clinic. Hey everybody --- There's no longer an 800-pound gorilla in the room!

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Overeaters anonymous meeting today at 5:00.

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

"I really didn't have a weight problem until they invented skinny jeans."

How to go form fit to fat...

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

Gym. You lost a pound this week? It's only because I always leave here too tired to go looking for it!

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

'Don't worry about a few pounds up or down. Our main concern is always your bottom line.'

"You need to do less talking the talk and more walking the walk."